To E.
an unsent letter to my ex-bestfriend.
hey! how are you doing E?
it’s been exactly 8 months since we last spoke. do you remember me? i hope you do.
i didn’t wish you on your birthday, the first time since 3 years of knowing you; did you notice that? i hope you did. birthdays never meant much to you and knowing that, i gave my best every year so you know how special you were - to me and the world.
i miss talking to you, i miss ranting about my day with you, i miss holding your hand, i miss meeting you on my rooftop, i miss eating food that you brought for me because you knew how much i love it, i miss making flowers for you and putting my favourite perfume on it and then you also loving it. i miss you.
sunsets dont feel the same anymore; so many songs, books and movies dont feel the same anymore; airplanes don’t feel the same anymore; sweaters don’t feel the same anymore; sharing my dreams doesn’t feel the same anymore; advice doesn’t feel the same anymore. i don’t feel the same anymore.
you were truly one of a kind, you made me feel seen and heard in ways i know i never will again - maybe i will but i know it wont feel the same anymore. when someone makes a friend as special and as understanding as you, its inevitable to presume that they will stay forever. my forever lasted 2 years and a few odd months.
the way we both knew how much we mattered to each other, the way he knew that i would actually leave everything behind just for him and knowing he would do just the same for me is something that will forever break me.
i know that the reason we stopped talking is partly my fault too- i shouldn’t have caught feelings for you, i shouldn’t have spent every waking moment thinking about you. i know i shouldn’t have and i still did it and im not sorry about that. i truly love you, for who you are and who you aspire to be and i know a part of you loved me back, i know a part of you saw me as a potential something but being the coward that you are, you chose silence over conversation. you made me feel like the villan in our story while all along it was you. you kissed me, you made me feel soo disgusted in myself that i felt worthless. you ruined it for me but i knew you beyond the ignorant asshole that you chose to be during our last few conversations and thats why im still as miserable as the day you left me.
remember all the nights we spent dreaming about our college life, our future lives, all our plans and goals and everything else? and yet you chose to be like that at the very end? yes, i know i was downbad for you, fuck it, i still am, but was it my fault that i thought i could be open with my bestfriend about anything?
i know i messed it up by confessing to you soo many times, i shouldn’t have done that. but don’t you think you are to blame too because i did that because of all that went down between us and because you made sure that those very events took place?
you showed me colors you know i can’t see with anyone else.
it’s easy for me to play the blame game, i have been playing it for 12 months now E. but then again, who am i to blame when i made mistakes too, when i chose to stay even after everything got so messed up and you were not brave enough to face those very emotions and sidelined from our friendship.
we were our truest friends, you had one other friend while i had many others and yet, YET i chose you and you chose me. it was by mere luck that our friendship even began, do you remember how we became friends E? you sat infront of me for an exam and even though you knew the answers to the questions, you still asked me. you waited for me and saved place next to you for the evening exam knowing i would show up late to the exam room and made sure i sat next to you and spoke to you.
E, we came so far from that, from strangers, to waiting for each other in corridors, to sneaking behind our teachers and talking, to walking eachother home to now being strangers yet again.
is this over E? is that it? i still put a status every now and then on my whatsapp only for you to see, hoping you’ll see that and be proud of how far i have come, how much i have grown since we last spoke, and how i’m fulfilling those dreams we spoke about - one at a time. i dont know much about you anymore except that you started playing the guitar and that too because i begged someone to talk to you. i bought a guitar too after knowing that hoping that we still have things that we can talk about, if you ever choose to talk to me again.
but i wish you nothing but happiness, and so much joy and fun in life and i hope you have more friends now. i hope you make amazing memories, but i hope you still remember me at the end of the day, because i do and i hope you regret losing me the same way i do.
love and lots more,
pranathi.
(one of the many sunsets me and him watched together)
heyy, thankyouu for reading!
Not everything beautiful thing and person stays with us but we can continue while keeping all the beautiful memories they gave us. Kudos to you for sharing it with us in such a a beautiful way 🫶